Dave Barry: "If Starbucks decided to call its toilets "AquaSwooshies," would we go along with THAT?"

"Yes," says the humor columnist. "Baa!" Seattle's Best Coffee calls its large size "Grande Supremo." Dave Barry says: "Listen, people: You should never, ever have to utter the words "Grande Supremo" unless you are addressing a tribal warlord who is holding you captive and threatening to burn you at the stake. JUST SAY YOU WANT A LARGE COFFEE, PEOPLE." (International Herald Tribune)

Comments

[tom]

I always ask for a large coffee because, well, calling it a venti coffee (or whatever it's retitled) is pretty effing silly.

[strdew]

Umm, isn't Seattle's Best Coffee now owned by Starbucks?

[Simon Jones]

In England we're still not up (or is that "down") with the whole Starbuck thing. Sure, Starbucks have began to slowly devirginize the UK of our Coffee house innocence, but in my experience most Brits simply ask for a "Big one" when requesting a Venti. In the UK the word Venti, or Vente, or however the hell is spoken and spelled, simply sounds like a dreamed up word for expensive. And when Starbucks coffee is still way more expensive than beer in a country famous for it's pub, I think the Godess still has a lot to learn.

[Simon Jones]

And wouldn't you know it, as if to prove my own point I spectacularly illustrated in that last comment of mine, that us Brits have know idea what Tall, Grande or Venti means. I thoughts Venti was a big one! :-)

I'm going to stick to the Queens English. It's worked for years.

Maybe Starbucks should adopt a clearer size policy over here in the UK. Imagine the scene if you will;

"Allo mate, I'll have a pint of Coffee please and half a Mocha for me mate ere."

[strdew]

small = tall
medium = grande
large = venti

BTW, "venti" is Italian

It means "twenty"

As in twenty ounces of liquid in the cup.

(Baristas know that the cold cups are 24 ounces to accomodate for ice)

[Ray]

Is that why we have 24 ouce cups? So why are Grande and Tall cold cups still 16 and 12 oz respectively?

[tom]

Whatever the oz. capacity of the cup, I'm still going to call it a "large". Renaming the size "venti," regardless of it's meaning in Italian since I'm buying the coffee in America, seems like a silly marketing gimmick.

[corianderstem]

Yes, strdrew, Starbucks now owns Seattle's Best Coffee. They acquired them (along with Torrefazione Italia) in the summer of 2003.

[Shift for Starbucks]

if you go to Wendy's do you order a large soda or a biggie size? or great biggie size? Other places have nicknames for drink sizes. Why hate on a company cause they have a gimmick? Regardless of what you say the starbuck's barista is going to "call back" your drink as either tall, grande, or venti simply because we have to. It is part of our job and we are schooled in it. It isn't to be snotty or anything just us earning our $7 and up an hour wage. Call it whatever you want it is still tall grande and venti to us.

[corianderstem]

The joke about Starbucks and its sizes is so freaking old. You're a little late and a lot of not funny, Mr. Barry. Get some original material.

[Mike]

I love the "rebels" who refuse to use Starbucks terminology, but have no problem calling tissues "kleenex" or "xeroxing" documents...

Americans are a truly dumb breed of sheep.

[Emily]

I avoid Starbucks like the plague. There is now a Starbucks in my local Target, and one in the Meijer across the street. Meijer, for those not in my region, is like a Super Walmart prototype. People shopping there are not likely to plunk down $5 or whatever it is now for a cup of coffee - we're talking about a place that charges $12 for men's pants.

How does "venti" fit in? It's all pretension. Maybe if Starbucks had an Italian name, it would make sense - as it is, it's just silly. The Wendy's metaphor is a good one, but the idea is that it is communicated easily to the customer. Clearly, a "biggie" is not the small. Starbucks uses only names that convey a large size - to modify a Wendy's phrase, where's the short?

[Mike]

They used to sell a short cup of coffee, and maybe they still do, but it isn't on the menu.

A couple problems with gimmicky names (regardless of the shop):

On the customer side: If you visit multiple shops, it's a pain remembering what stupid thing "large" is called. Aside from the fact that "large" has no standard definition.

On the shop side: employees, often lose track of size relationships.

This story did not occur at Starbucks, but similar events have occurred there, and about anywhere with silly names. I've removed the silly names because I have no idea what they were.

Walked into a coffee shop. Asked for a small latte.

Clerk - "We don't have small, just "medium" and "large."

Me - "That makes no sense. Whatever your smallest size is has to be your small."

Clerk - We only have "medium" and "large."

Me - slack-jawed stare, then turn around and leave.

I keep hearing about this $5 cup of coffee that Starbucks has. Is it something that's not on the menu board, along with their "short" size? Every time I order a large/venti/whatever coffee there, I'm charged about a buck eighty. That seems to be the going rate for any bucket full of non-Folgers to go in this city, regardless of where it's purchased.

As for the peeving over medium and large, I'll raise my hand and say that annoys me as well. Perhaps for a different reason, as when I see such on a menu without an accompanying small the first thing I think of is "Whoever made that menu is too stupid to figure out the correct place to use "regular"."

[shortstuff]

don't forget the forgotten-but-not-gone "short" size!

yes, starbucks still sells a "short." it just doesn't list it on the menu boards. (the wall street journal did a funny story about this maybe a year ago?)

which raises the question: when you order a "small," how's come they give you a "tall," which is actually a "medium" when you consider there's a "short."

are you dizzy yet?

[Trey]

I just can't get myself to order a venti vanilla latte. Anymore than I can order a 'Shrek Burger' or a 'Rootin' Tootin' Root Beer' or whatever. For the first few weeks, I didn't grasp the venti/grande/tall concept. I have too many things going in life to devote any mental real estate to this BS. Once I did understand (not based on learning but osmosis), I couldn't buy into learning a new scheme for Starbucks. So I've continued to order a 'large' and then watch the 'barista' roll their eyes and order me a venti. The other day, I was too tired for the whole deal and just said, "A vanilla latte, please." The barista inquired, "What size?". I replied, "The biggest you've got." I'm going to do this until they start making my order when I come in the door.

[barista c]

i would be really surprised if the baristas were actually rolling their eyes at you. we get many many customers a day who order their drinks in "plain english" and we don't care. we don't think it makes you stupid. in fact, most of us think our sizes are stupid. but we HAVE to call the drink to the bar as a starbucks size. it would be really confusing during a rush to keep calling different things to the bar. we have a specific order and way we have to call the drinks to keep everything orderly and moving quickly. that doesn't mean we want you to learn the language or order in which we call it. we're pretty adept at translating and don't mind at all.

and if you go into the starbucks often, and it isn't a crazy busy one, then i'm sure that pretty soon they will start making your drink as you walk in the door.

[coffeedrinker]

Anyone who drinks 20 oz. of coffee at a time should have to use whatever stupid name they invent for that size.

[Mel]

Once in a while, I have to drag myself into a Starbucks (because they're "around"), and EVERY DAMN time I go in and order a medium Americano. The wench behind the counter just stares at me… and then proceeds to correct me with "Grande" and will NOT ring it into the computer until I order it correctly. C'mon, she obviously KNOWS what I want. Evil Empire — almost more evil than those Yankees over there in NY.

[barista c]

we have to call the orde rback to you in a starbucks size.

this is how it should go:

you: grande american please
barista:*smile* grande americano?
you: *nod*
barista: *rings in drink* GRANDE AMERICANO
bar partner: GRANDE AMERICANO
*drink is made and set on bar*
bar partner: GRANDE AMERICANO
you: is this my medium americano?
bar partner: yes ma'am/sir. have a nice day!

look at that, you don't even have to bring your self to say those nasty starbucks sizes, and everything still goes smoothly.

and yes your order is easy, but we have to repeat it back, we have to confirm it because not everybody has an easy order, and not everybody speaks english fluently or clearly and we need to establish what drink needs to be made and rung up so as to minimize mistakes.

why not try being agreeable instead of an oversensitive jerk?

(and i aplogize if your baristas are actually condescending assholes. though almost every barista i've come into contact with at my store and other stores is very nice, cheerful, and loves their job and helping customers, obviously not everybody is this way. tell the manager or write a comment card instead of just whining. the problem will be summarily taken care of.)

[Mike]

Let's get to the bottom line. It costs Starbucks about 30 cents (including labor) for each of the concoctions it sells to its eager customers. Why would anyone who contributes up to $4.00 in profit on a flavored CUP OF COFFEE get his or her knickers in a twist about using pretentious terminology to designate size? This and so many other things about our absurd fascination with over-priced coffee make perfect sense. If, as some say it is, cheese is the new coffee then watch out for Velveeta at $12 a pound.

[Scott]

Ok, here's my two cents... Why Iced Venti cups are larger than hot ones, and iced tall and grande arent... I havent the slightest clue.

As for the size of the cups:
You can actually get a small cup. Its called short. Why they want to call their medium and large drinks grande and venti: Because they can. If Taco Bell can call their food mexicand food, then I dont see the problem with Starbucks using grande and venti. And for those that want to complain: Its just the way it is, you really dont have to make a big deal about it. If that is the most important thing you have to worry about in your life then I envy you greatly. McDonalds goes "Super Sized" Wendy's goes "Biggie" and Starbucks has their "Grande/Venti". Companies always try to think of new ways to sell the same thing. Its the way the world turns, not that big of a deal people.

[Scott]

Oh and about that comment about 30 cents for a flavored cup of coffee... Now is that 30 cents including all employee wages (which is above minimum wage might I add) their medical benefits, their vacation, retirement, and other benefits for those higher up? Does that also include the price and maintainence of equipment, the building and all its contents? For that matter does that 30 cents include the cost of building the building? Does that 30 cents pay the electrical, water, and heating/AC bill for not only the store but also corporate offices? Just something to think about...

[Sue]

Wow. I really don't understand the mental difficulty of learning, or repeating, these sizes. They're right in front of your face on the menu.

yeah they actually show the names of the sizes, with the actual sizes right on the counter in your face almost. Its not that hard to glace at it and decide, unless of course your way too lazy to do that and stubborn.

[alice]

I know I'm a little late to the game, but I thought I'd contribute to balance out the whining. I went to Starbucks today for the first time in my life and I didn't have a problem at all ordering my grande. I called it a 'grande' because that's what it is. I mean if you go to a foreign country you speak their language, right? (this coming from the person who's ordered Happy Meals from Burger King)

[darryl]

starbucks new zealand REPRESENT!!!!

[Keith]

Tall - relative term meaning "not short"
Grande - relative term meaning Large(it's not)
Venti - "20" NOT relative

I hate it when a company uses relative names that dont fit, (Medium, Large, Extra Large).
Starbucks in order to convince you the swill in the cup is good apparently is hoping that in your confusion over size will lead to confusion over taste. No matter how you slice it Starbucks coffee is the worst, yes even worse then Turkish coffee, in the world.

[Meg]

The fancy names for the different sizes is all about branding. The marketing gurus have put a lot of time and brainpower into creating a Starbucks experience whenever you walk in the door or visit their website, or even look at a pound of coffee on the grocery store shelf. It's the logo, the color scheme in the store, the furniture and lighting, the music, the signage, the displays, the good smells... and even the language. Do you have the same experience when you buy a cup of coffee at the local 7-11? Didn't think so.

The names for different sizes had nothing to do with branding. It had to do with tradition.

[Scotty]

I am a barrista at a NONSTARBUCKS coffee shop, and I know that a cup of coffee NEVER costs merely 30 cents. Nothing we sell is that cheap. Except for napkins, and those are free.

However, I too refuse to conform to Starbuck's evil ways, as I've had a few Starbuck's fans come into our shop, asking for a "Venti blah blah blah" and I have to translate that into one of our regular drinks in a 20 oz form.

It's ridiculous how many times I hear "I just want that thing they have at starbucks with the..."

[Scotty]

Let me clarify: a cup of coffee never costs US merely 30 cents.

short cups are generally used for children's beverages, sample beverages, single (short), dopio (tall), triple (grande), and quad (venti) espresso.

I do not believe for an instance that a starbucks cashier is rolling eyes or making faces at people for saying small, medium or large. I just don't believe this. I'm not an employee of starbucks, but I go there often (I'm sorry, their coffee is just better TO ME). They are usually laid back people who couldn't give a flip about what we call the drinks. They HAVE to use Starbucks lingo, however because it is part of their job.

[Rojgiean]

Starbucks is good at trying to confuse you with names, sizes, and anything else they can find they think they could twist your brain with...

I'm a bit disturbed... a cup of coffee, and a cup of hot tea, with a single "coffee brownie" whatever it was they called that thing... OVER $10.00!!! Umm... next time, I'm going to Panera Bread...lmao

[AB Pahtna]

You guys should stop by a Quebec Starbucks, where we don't have short and tall, but instead, "Piccolo" and "mezzo". THEN you can complain.

[Mark]

Wow, my last comment went right down the AquaSquooshie. I thought the internet was all about free speech. So, webmonster, you really don't want to know what people think? Well I'll tell you anyway. Starbucks is a great company and fine example of capitalism at work. I've heard firsthand from a relative that it's a great company to work for. There's obviously a growing demand for their products and lots of people love their coffee. I've actually tried a couple of the blends when they were offered to me(gratus) and have enjoyed them all. I just can't justify the expense. As for all the weird product names, it's a branding gimmick that lots of companies use that obviously gets people talking about the products, like them or not. It's about stirring the pot (that was bad), like this gossip medium. Anyway, just because I think you're a bunch of dildos for yakking ad nauseum about bizarre coffee names doesn't mean you're bad people. Just odd people.

[Kimber]

The reason that Starbucks (and just about every other coffee shop) uses Italian names for their sizes, as well as many of their drinks: latte, cappuccino, macchiato, is because the way Starbucks is today was inspired by Italian cafes. When Starbucks first opened in Seattle, they only sold coffee beans and grinds. When Howard Schultz saw the cafes of Italy with brewed drinks, food, people sitting and talking, he was inspired. He then worked for the owners of Starbucks and suggested they change their style to more of an Italian cafe. The owners did not like the idea at the time and rejected it. Schultz opened his own cafe, Il Giornale, using an Italian style. When Schultz bought Starbucks, he transformed all the stores to this Italian style cafe, but kept the well-known name of Starbucks. That is also why Starbucks is not an Italian name. People stick to what they know.

[Theolaxor]

For god sakes who cares!? if you dont want to say venti then dont- the average barista will know what you mean, unless theyre the type who constantly corrects the customer. they make me feel humillated to work at *$ due to the fact that it sereotypes its emploees (not partners-thats bullshit lingo there) as all pompous bastards.

[nickname]

i'll take partner over EMPLOEES any day.

:)

and who do you think made us pompous? ourselves??!

[barista chica]

when people act all confused about the sizes, i gladly say with a smile, "we understand small, medium and large!" of course, we will call the drink in starbucks language (as previously stated) because we have to, and maybe you can remember how it was called out so next time you can properly order. it's easy to tell someone who comes in a lot when they say everything in the right order...

also, the reason behind the cup sizes is simply the order in which starbucks introduced them. they used to only have short or tall, then they added grade, then venti. so really they went from having a small/regular, to small/medium/large to small/medium/large/x-large. people who complain about how starbucks doesn't advertise the short may compare it to other restaurants and establishments (mcdonald's included) who actually have small sizes but yet shove medium and larger down your throat. i get plenty of people who say "i want the smallest one" and i'll offer short, but they usually decide on tall.

"McD's shoves medium and large down your throat"? What about every summer when Starbucks trys to shove "venti" fraps down EVERY customer's throat? Remember that? Venti %? I do...because I was one those people trying to "win" those Starbucks meaningless competitioins.

[duck the bold]

I refuse to order a "venti" coffee. I always ask for a "big-ass coffee of the day." I know what that means. After about a year of doing this, today I was informed that some of the Starbuck's partners find that offensive, and was asked not to do that any more.

If they want to use foreign adjectives to describe their drinks, maybe I'll start ordering in a foreign language. I can order in German or Hebrew, and with a little practise, Russian.

[longshot Americano]

Shove down your throat?
wow, seriously...
we just work behind the counter and take the order for your coffee. If you don't want it, here's a thought I'm going to borrow from Nancy Reagan.

Just say no kids!

If you don't like the coffee- then don't come in. If you don't want a Venti then say no. It makes your life simple and it makes our life simple. And stop being so freakin paranoid!! Your barista is not "making fun of you" because they call your medium Americano back as a grande. We're simply placing your order into the Bar.

The company has been around for 35 years. One would assume by now that the names of our sizing should no longer be an issue. This isn't a new marketing concept we came up with a year ago or anything and anyone who comes in frequently would know this. So, why the complaints still today about this? If you only order a medium than order one. We don't point fingers and laugh, a lot of times we don't care. It's a non issue and we've probably forgotten about 30 seconds after the fact where as you go home and stew it over for the next 10 yrs. Seriously.... let it go!!! there's better things in life to fret over, or better yet--> actually enjoy!!!

And trust me- no matter how much we may smile. Inside we're saying "what a loser" to guys like Duck. I mean "hahahaha you're soooo funny." (said with 2 thumbs up) ~or not.
The way how you're ordering "bigassed" seriously, what self respecting earning more than minimum wage adult would ever talk to another working person in that manner? get a life.

If you like your tinfoil bag coffee from Dunkin or wherever the hell you go instead of Starbucks then good on ya. I would imagine most of you also drink your wine out of a box because "it all tastes the same." Am I right or am I right?

I like my job, 98% of the baristas I know do as well. We're happy to assist each and every person who comes in the door with any question they may have. We're proud to say we have a number of black aprons on staff (unsure what that means? ask the next time you go into your local Starbucks) Myself included.

The world of coffee is far more than just sizes. Visit here http://www.starbucks.co.jp/en/latte_lingo.htm
to learn a lil bout the lingo or go here
www.starbucks.com
to learn about the company and listen to some podcasts that were done in September. They talk about tasting, the lingo, pairing food with coffee etc... each is about 10 minutes long. Worth it.

Thats all I have to say... I'm off the soapbox

[OMG Barista Boi]

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

[Jessica]

I've never even been in a Starbucks... I prob'ly won't ever cuz everyone seems to think it costs so much. But yea. I don't think it's a big deal. That's just me though.

[Fabian Pasos]

we have to call the orde rback to you in a starbucks size.

this is how it should go:

you: grande american please
barista:*smile* grande americano?
you: *nod*
barista: *rings in drink* GRANDE AMERICANO
bar partner: GRANDE AMERICANO
*drink is made and set on bar*
bar partner: GRANDE AMERICANO
you: is this my medium americano?
bar partner: yes ma'am/sir. have a nice day!

look at that, you don't even have to bring your self to say those nasty starbucks sizes, and everything still goes smoothly.

and yes your order is easy, but we have to repeat it back, we have to confirm it because not everybody has an easy order, and not everybody speaks english fluently or clearly and we need to establish what drink needs to be made and rung up so as to minimize mistakes.

why not try being agreeable instead of an oversensitive jerk?

(and i aplogize if your baristas are actually condescending assholes. though almost every barista i've come into contact with at my store and other stores is very nice, cheerful, and loves their job and helping customers, obviously not everybody is this way. tell the manager or write a comment card instead of just whining. the problem will be summarily taken care of.

what a hell!!! hahaha think about it!

http://fabianpasos.blogspot.hi5.com

[Fabian Pasos]

we have to call the orde rback to you in a starbucks size.

this is how it should go:

you: grande american please
barista:*smile* grande americano?
you: *nod*
barista: *rings in drink* GRANDE AMERICANO
bar partner: GRANDE AMERICANO
*drink is made and set on bar*
bar partner: GRANDE AMERICANO
you: is this my medium americano?
bar partner: yes ma'am/sir. have a nice day!

look at that, you don't even have to bring your self to say those nasty starbucks sizes, and everything still goes smoothly.

and yes your order is easy, but we have to repeat it back, we have to confirm it because not everybody has an easy order, and not everybody speaks english fluently or clearly and we need to establish what drink needs to be made and rung up so as to minimize mistakes.

why not try being agreeable instead of an oversensitive jerk?

(and i aplogize if your baristas are actually condescending assholes. though almost every barista i've come into contact with at my store and other stores is very nice, cheerful, and loves their job and helping customers, obviously not everybody is this way. tell the manager or write a comment card instead of just whining. the problem will be summarily taken care of.

what a hell!!! hahaha think about it!

http://fabianpasos.blogspot.hi5.com

[eric]

Here's an approach I like:

Order whatever size you like (large, medium, small). If the server (I don't like calling anybody barista, because it's stupid. Is there a special name for the person at the deli counter? - no - similar job description) corrects me, I correct them and say my selection in ounces. If they don't like it, I buy the grounds and make my own and I can call it whatever I want. End of discussion.