"From the Comfy Chair": Juan finds everything great at Seattle's Best -- except for the bland coffee

Seattle's Best
Borders  Everett Mall
Everett, Washington

BY JUAN VALDEZ

Following is a transcript from the evening news:

Announcer: Good evening everyone, I'm Chet Winkler and this is ENN (Evening News Network)! Topping the news tonight is a special report from ENN Special Reporter, Juan Valdez, who is in the field with a special report! Juan, where are you and what are you doing?

Juan: Hi Chet, I'm at the Seattle's Best Coffee at Borders at the Everett Mall. I'm enjoying a cup of light roast coffee (they didn't tell me the name of the coffee) along with a toasted ham sandwich. Yum!

Chet: But why are you in a Seattle's Best? I thought you only went to Starbucks.

Juan: That's true Chet. But Seattle's Best was in the news recently because Michelle Gass just became president. Since SBC is owned by SBUX, I thought I'd jump on the burro and head on over to see what all the commotion was about.

Chet: Is there a commotion there?

Juan: No, not really. In fact, there's really not a lot of business here at all. 

Chet: So, how's the coffee?

Juan: I believe they refer to their coffee as "uncommonly smooth." In this case, that means "very bland."

Chet: Can you give us a better description, Juan? That was pretty bland.

Juan: Sure Chet. I'm sure you've eaten American chocolate a few times in your life. Folks who are used to American chocolate usually do not like dark Swiss chocolate because it is much more bitter and has an abrasive mouthfeel. In reality, the dark Swiss chocolate is better than American chocolate because it has more flavor and stimulates the palate in all sorts of unusual ways. And if you don't like it, you are just an unsophisticated backwoods boob who has no appreciation for the finer things in life. Well, that's how it is with this cup of coffee I'm drinking – it's the American version of chocolate.

Chet (quickly puts away the Hershey's bar he was eating): Uh, ok, thanks for that enlightening description, Juan! So, how's the rest of the store look? //CONTINUED IN THE FIRST COMMENT

Comments

[JUAN VALDEZ]

Juan: Like I said, it's not very busy here. There's two employees behind the counter who've been very friendly. I don't know if SBC uses terms like "connect, discover, respond" however these folks have been connecting, discovering and responding to everyone who walks in. The lobby and tables are clean as is the condiment bar. The pastry and cold cases are clean and stocked. And the employees are keeping a close eye on the lobby; having come out at least twice now to check the condiment stand and tables.

Chet: What are some of the differences that you can see between Starbucks and Seattle's Best?

Juan: There's lots of red here. Lots and lots. Red is clearly the corporate color at SBC. I think Sammy Hagar wrote a song about SBC called "Red" if I remember correctly.

They also have a branded bakery program called "OvenSong" which is actually listed on the menu as such. They don't seem to have the same schizophrenic relationship with food that parent SBUX does where they're constant running around proclaiming NOW they've finally hit the sweet spot with food and NOW they've cracked the food code. But that could change. After all it was new SBC president Gass who was making those statements over at SBUX.

For the time being, however, it appears SBC simply created a food program and they're sticking with it. Kudos to them for that. SBC seems to have the same kind of packaged drinks only different brand names. Instead of Izze or Jones, they have Thomas Kemper. There's Arrowhead water instead of Ethos which is a bit of a surprise as you would think they'd be pushing the whole "you're saving the world by buying this water but please ignore the fact it's in a demon plastic bottle" guilt trip on SBC customers too.

There is some crossover as Tazo teas are sold at SBC however, in nearly every other way, from a customer standpoint, there is no connection with SBUX at all. There's definitely no "inspired by Starbucks" nonsense floating around which would be a lie anyways....SBC predates SBUX by a year in the primordial swamp timeline.

I haven't gotten a good look at the coffee machine used to produce their line of hot beverages however I can say they create their Red Kane sodas by hand. Now, I am of the opinion the whole "handcrafted" thing is just a bunch of snobby mumbo jumbo as I don't believe most people can tell the difference however it is very interesting that SBC does things like that while SBUX, who is trying to get back to basics, doesn't.

Chet: Wow, that's quite a story. But you're holding back on us. Tell the people what they REALLY want to know ...how are the bathrooms?

Juan: I'm not holding back. They don't have bathrooms. The available bathrooms are in Borders and I'm not going to judge them for something they don't have any control over.

Chet: Thanks Juan. Any final thoughts?

Juan: Great store. Great ambience. Great employees. Bland coffee. Oh...and no official SBC wifi...I had to tap into the nearby Verizon store network. That's all there is for now. This has been Juan Valdez reporting for ENN where we drink and you decide.

Even though SBC is owned by SBUX, and this visit was better than probably half the ones I've had at regular Starbucks, in the interests of keeping this "pure," I won't add this store to the stats.


"Juan Valdez" is the nom de cyber of a former Starbucks manager who became disenchanted with the increasingly bitter taste of the Starbucks experience and fled to the mountains of Colombia where he now rides his burro and ponders the glittering sunsets. On a crisp clear day, when atmospheric conditions are just right and the moon is in the seventh house, he can be reached at juanvaldezsbux@gmail.com.

[Formerly!]

What's good Juan I enjoyed this one cause it's like visiting my cousin's crib, haha! Cheers ;)

™@P

[are you serious]

yeah lets insult peoples intelligence that will get people to read stuff i write