Juan Valdez is back to review the beer/wine-serving Starbucks

Starbucks
1600 East Olive Way
Seattle, Wa. BY JUAN VALDEZ

Hey everybody, how ya all doing? This is your boy Juan saying howdy do from way up yonder Capitol Hill way. :::hiccup::::

I've been on something of a sabbatical from writing about Starbucks stuff cause I pretty much ran out of things to type what with all them visits kinda dissolving into a sort of giant, squishy, melting pot of crazed, apathetic non-sensical stew but HEY, everybody, how ya all doing?

So, anyways, I figgered I was pretty well DONE with the store visit thing but you know what that crafty Howard Schultz guy went and did? Why, he opened hisself a BAR, right up there on East Olive Way in Seattle where you can git yerself a bag of beers and a snootful of wine all night long like down there in good ole Pioneer Square just south of downtown. And when I heard bout this new enterprise from that nice lady over at Starbucks Melody's blog, I just had to go and check it out for myself. A BAR, for crying out loud, from Mr. Family Values himself! /CONTINUED IN THE FIRST COMMENT

Comments

[JUAN VALDEZ]

So, earlier tonight, I dragged the burro on down to Parker's out on Aurora Avenue in Seattle and knocked back a few brewskies, you know, to get lubed up. Then we hit a couple more spots along the way so by the time we made it to East Olive Way, there was plenty of fuel in the engine, if you get my drift. I tied the burro to the rail that ran along the outdoor seating there. Then I staggered up the steps, eyes just the right shade of boozy red, ready to tie one on, myself, dontcha know.

I have to say, I was mighty disappointed when I saw it was still called Starbucks. What's Howard thinking, fer christ's sakes? If you are gonna call this new bar “Starbucks”, you're gonna run the risk of someone, somewhere, thinking it's an actual coffee shop. Now that's all fine and good for the coffee snobs but what happens when they step inside and see me and a bunch of my wino friends, hooping 'n hollerin like there's no tomorrow, shooting our guns off and shrieking like a bunch of drooling banshees in heat? I mean, you've got to be in the right frame of mind to properly appreciate a spectacle like that and plain Jane coffee just ain't gonna cut it; even if it is over-roasted and jack burned to a crisp the way Howard likes it. For that matter, since me and him are practically pals (after all, everyone's your buddy in a bar, right?), he really shoulda called it “Starbar” (copyright 2010 Juan Valdez Enterprises all rights reserved and don't you dare think about stealing my idea).

Pushing my initial disappointment aside, I bellied up to the bar and asked for a shot of Cuervo Black (none of that bottom shelf swill for me, nosirree) only to be told Starbar didn't serve hard liquor; just wine and beer.

“YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!” I said, my breath, at this point, capable of stripping paint.

The bartender reaffirmed the previous statement.

“Oh, so you're a tavern then, is that it? Well, where's the video games? Where's the pool tables? Where's the damn jukebox? WHERE'S THE NASTY BARFLIES?”

“Sir,” the bartender replied; patience oozing from his every pore like the alcohol that was oozing from mine. “We aren't a bar nor are we a tavern We're a Starbucks coffee shop”. Then, to prove his point, he stuck his nose up in the air and looked down on me.

I ignored the snootiness. “You serve beer and wine, at least, right?”

“Yes sir.”

“Then you're a tavern. Now get me a Corona and let's get some different music on the jukebox – that crap sounds like stuff them there artsy fartsy types would listen to!”

“Sir, I'm sorry. We don't carry Corona”, came the reply and I thought I detected a slight sneer lurking under the polished veneer of his politeness.

“Oh, for the love of GOD!” I said, rising to my feet, metaphorically patting myself on the back for being able to do so without falling over. “Just give me what you got!”

While waiting for my brewskie, I looked around and occasionally shouted, “WHERE'S HOWARD?” in between belches. Of course I got no answer because either no one really knew where Howard was or no one dared answer for fear I might focus my attention on them and maybe even breathe in their general direction. I hid my disappointment at Howard's absence as best I could; jamming it way down inside where it joined a whole bunch of other stuff I've never had the courage to face but, still, it nagged at me. After all, according to the legend, he done worked behind the counter at the first Starbucks way back in the day – you'd think, now, he'd want to work behind the counter at the first Starbar too...at least for posteraafdla...er...posteraiafjdoty...uh...dammit...POSTERITY'S SAKE!

The night proceeded to dissolve into a shaky blur. I didn't really check out the bathroom the way I normally do because the only time I went into the bathroom was to throw up. I tried eating some food but that's what made me throw up. I don't think it was the food's fault – instead, that's what happens when you start drinking at eleven in the morning.

I think the service was friendly...at least they seemed to put up with my nonsense without getting too upset. I couldn't keep my eyes focused long enough to tell if they were keeping the bar clean or not.

All in all...an interesting visit. The last thing I remember is being pushed out the door; into the crisp, cold fall night with nary a “thank you” or “come back soon” to keep me company. I tried to saddle up on the burro only to slide off the side and collapse in a heap onto the unforgiving sidewalk; there to close my eyes and eventually pass out.

********************
And then I woke up. In my own bed, not hungover, wondering what in the hell had happened as the morning light streamed in through my window blinds. I soon came to the realization it was all a dream...just a bad nightmare...a figment of my fevered imagination. After all, Mr. Schultz ( I only call him Howard when I'm drinking in his bar during one of my hallucinations) wouldn't be in the business of promoting beer and wine now, would he?

Would he?

I may have to go and check this place out.


"Juan Valdez" is the nom de cyber of a former Starbucks manager who became disenchanted with the increasingly bitter taste of the Starbucks experience and fled to the mountains of Colombia where he now rides his burro and ponders the glittering sunsets. On a crisp clear day, when atmospheric conditions are just right and the moon is in the seventh house, he can be reached at juanvaldezsbux@gmail.com.

[hmpht]

hysterical! Hmmm, I wonder if all 128898 "partners" would have to get their bartending license?

[BOSTON STARBUCKS REBEL]

Since there is no mixing of drinks...

[ash_sk8s]

Wow Juan, what a quality review...../sarcasm

[Geogia latte]

That review didn't sound like Juan at all. Sad.

[Melody]

I'm disappointed in this. It looks like Juan decided to use this store to exercise his creative writing skills. My two cents is that it's a beautiful store and a serious experiment on the part of Starbucks, and so the store deserved a serious review from Juan. I see you did mention me Juan. Thank you. Link to my photos of the store is in my name.

[Coffee Soldier]

I wonder if our stores get the booze if it moves to more test sites if we can be called Bartners rather then Partners....What kind of beer and wine do they carry? Anyone been in to really test out this store? I was wondering if it was micro brews local to the Seattle area or espresso stouts or other coffee related brews.

[Coffee Drinker]

The "woke from a dream" was programmed out of me as writer in high school. I'm surprised one who writes as well as Juan used this elementary technique.

Juan's reviews were what drew me to this sight, so yeah, I'm surprised and disappointed at the literary schtick and lack of content. Or maybe that's all there and I missed it, cuz I began skipping parts early after he tried to order hard liquor, because I knew Juan was aware what this new store is.

Here's hoping he writes one of his excellent reviews for the new place. I see he did touch on what disappoints me in this SBUX endeavor. SBUX coffee place selling alcohol and being a lousy bar...I agree ; ) Though I'm sure it's pretty and shiny, it ain't SBUX and it ain't the worlds best coffee co. any more ; (

[Jeff Tom]

Wow. What a waste of digital space. ABsolutely nothing of value communicated, and what "was" communicated was boring and uncreative.

Juan, please go back into retirement.

[BAYAREABUX]

Can't be Juan. He would have gone on and on about how the store was overstaffed and that Starbucks deliberate understaffing -- which those on the inside all know to be true -- is just an illusion of lazy baristas.

[CD]

I have to agree with Melody on this review. I always liked Juan's reviews and they made SG a Wednesday destination for me. This one was a disappointment.

With so much attention being paid to this new concept, it would have been nice to have a solid Juan review of this store.

[hearbutloud]

Agreed. I was hoping for a sincere review. Or at least SOME information. My customers are curious!

[Aaron]

I thought this review might actually list a few of the wine and beer offerings for us to give people an idea, so I'm a bit disappointed. Anyone else been there? What sorts of stuff are they serving? I'm guessing it's not just typical fare. So what do they have? Are the beers bottles only? Or do they have some on tap?

[tom]

free bjs in the bathroom around 2pm...daily...except weekends...

[travelgirl]

Aaron,
I posted this when on the other post regarding the new store but I'll repost for you. (P.S. nothing on tap, only bottle)
Took home a copy of the "later menu"

It states:
Wine, beer & accompaniments served after 4pm

Wine
By the class or bottle

Barnard Griffin Fume Blanc
Maso Canali Pino Grigio
Snoqualmie "naked" (organic) Riesling
William Hill Central Coast Chardonnay
Erath Pinot Noir
Alamos Malbec
The House of Independent Producers Merlot
Chateu Ste. Michelle Cabernet Sauvignon

Beer

Peroni Nastro Azzuro
Deschutes Mirror Pond Pale Ale
Pyramid Haywire Hefeweizen

Specialty Plates
Perfect for Sharing. Served after 11 am

Salumi & Olives

-Premium sliced Italian cured meats, including coppa, peppered salame, prosciutto * secci, served with mixed olives & whole-wheat sesame crackers

Mediterranean Mezze
-Grilled white-chicken strips, hummus for dipping, sliced vegetables & grape tomatoes, served with wheat flat bread & mixed olives

Artisan Fruit, Nut, & Cheese
-Brie, Gouda, and white cheddar cheeses, whole-wheat sesame crackers, dried sweetened cranberries with almonds * a cluster of fresh grapes

dessert

*Indulgent Double Chocolate Brownie
-A warmed classic brownie made with premium chocolate chunks & cocoa powder, served with fresh whipped cream & Carmel sauce drizzle

[Juan Valdez]

I have to admit, I'm surprised at the acceptance of this tentative venture into beer and wine sales. Especially given the fierce negative reaction which usually follows the introduction of new products and the general concern around here that Starbucks is still straying too far from its coffee roots (or beans, if you will). Personally, I've not agreed some of their forays have been in the wrong direction however I'd think most everyone would agree serving beer and wine is a huge step off the reservation, indeed. I sure did which is why I set out to make fun of the concept. There were many different ways I could have approached the review however I must say this one was the most enjoyable to write. After fifty or so weekly reviews, the fun had gone out of it and it was nice to get it back, even if just for a brief time.

Thanks for all your thoughts...

[northwestgal]

I hope this does not happen in our store. We have many customers who come in before or after AA meetings and they seem to share a lot of laughs and camaraderie. I am sure some will still come in but why should all of them?

[suzy greenberg]

I liked the review. If Howie wants to open a wine bar he should open a wine bar. Just don't pretend it is making a coffee shop better; it is not.

[suzy greenberg]

Oops my drop-down menu got mixed up but that is me 2X above.

[I.Heart.Spirit]

I have never been a fan of Juan's reviews, but this is definitely not my favourite of them.

---

I think this is a great opportunity for Starbucks.

[hello]

This kind of write up just adds fuel to the fire of ignorance on the subject

[hello]

And no offense, but all of you who think serving wine and beer in a coffee shop in Seattle is a new idea need to go and educated yourselves

[Coffee Drinker]

Of course it's an ancient idea, and done around the globe. I don't mind drinking coffee in a pub or bar in a pub or bar, but I do mind in Starbucks. Even in Barcelona, with it's wonderful cafes and bars... There's Starbucks with clean air, no smoking, clean bathrooms. Pur coffee scents. As in Seattle, the best place to go to a real Starbucks.

I don't want to hear loud drunken conversation and smell rotting hops mingled with that lovely espresso breeze.

I agree with you Juan and I had to take a step back and decide whether or not to end my 30-years of SBUX loyalty, most of which was in Seattle. I don't want to encourage or support this trend.

[hearbutloud]

Listen you freaky teetotalers, do you avoid restaurants that serve alcohol? For crying out loud - these offerings sound pricey and they probably are. These are for people who want to enjoy one beverage, not eight. I cannot tell you how many times I have had customers jokingly order liquor and beer. If you have a problem with these items because they are not coffee, then you should have a problem with all the non-coffee beverages we serve, especially the smoothies. If you find this a reason to stop going to Starbucks, by all means, stop. But if you think your moral high ground is going to change things, you're very wrong. Let's eat, drink, and be merry!

And "Juan", I don't believe for a second that you actually set foot in this store, for one. And for two, if you really are sick of writing the blog, then have respect for your readers enough to stay retired if this is the disrespectful way you are going to handle it. Thankfully, I was never a reader. I always found you to be a blowhard.

[Darth Sidamo]

I actually was moderately annoyed from the old reviews. Seemingly to have a negative Barista bias. Atleast this was something different. Now personally as someone that has brewed beer for years, my question is that I assume that all beer is served bottle only. Almost any store would need to be severely expanded to incorporate atleast three Cornelius kegs and a co2/nitrogen tank. Not to mention the clear counter area needed to actually serve it. Interesting making one of only three choices a pale ale. Pale ales seem to not be the most popular tending for beer enthusiasts to prefer an India pale ale instead.

[Darth Sidamo]

I actually was moderately annoyed from the old reviews. Seemingly to have a negative Barista bias. Atleast this was something different. Now personally as someone that has brewed beer for years, my question is that I assume that all beer is served bottle only. Almost any store would need to be severely expanded to incorporate atleast three Cornelius kegs and a co2/nitrogen tank. Not to mention the clear counter area needed to actually serve it. Interesting making one of only three choices a pale ale. Pale ales seem to not be the most popular tending for beer enthusiasts to prefer an India pale ale instead.

[suzy greenberg]

hello, I don't really care if wine in a coffee shop is a new Seattle idea or not - I just don't want it everywhere. Bars and coffeeshops don't always need to mate is all I am saying. Boy you are touchy.

[_-_]

@Coffee Drinker re:

"As in Seattle, the best place to go to a real Starbucks."

--------------------------------------------

Um, no. You're a total rube. Completely.

If you remotely care about coffee in Seattle you know you won't be in a Starbucks. I mean, Seattle has so many AMAZING coffeehouses that Starbucks doesn't even rank in the Top 10.

In no particular order:
Stumptown, Vivace, Stella, B&O, Vita, Victrola, Bauhaus, Fuel, Migliore, Monorail, People's Republic of Koffee, Bedlam... I could go on.

Those places... THOSE PLACES are all much better than anything Starbucks could remotely dream up.

Man, like I said, you're a total rube...

[Presto!]

What the hell is a rube? If you're gonna insult someone, it's best to use a term they understand.

I've only read this site since the summer, and I have never read any of Juan's "reviews". It can stay that way - the three paragraphs I read were complete garbage. Epic fail.

[Coffee Drinker]

@ _-_

No, I'm not a rube. I didn't say Starbucks had the best coffee. I said something entirely different. However, depending on the day and place, Starbucks in many cases has the best coffee. But that's not what I said earlier, either.

Since I've been a patron of Starbucks for over 30 years, I think my opinion is valid, to me at least, sonny.

And actually, I've had some pretty good coffee in other countries, but since I"m not a snob or a rube, I won't list my upscale places, like you did, lol. Just kiddin' around about that part. But I do have quite a list ; )

Starbucks remains my favorite place to have coffee, anywhere I travel. And I've traveled and lived quite a lot, not that it matters. YMMV.

Happy Halloween.

[_-_]

This might be of some assistance to those with limited vocabularies.

[_-_]

Oh, and PS: even Starbucks knows anyone in Seattle won't visit a Starbucks.

Why do you think they created Roy Street Coffee & Tea and 15th Ave Coffee & Tea?

Even Starbucks knew they'd have to trick folks into stepping into their stores with an alt-brand identity.

[Coffee Drinker.]

Ha ha. I no longer live any where near Seattle. I come to this site to keep up on a flavor of the news, and to be reminded of the unhappy lifestyle and attitude I left behind ; )

Where I live now the air is clean, the people nice, and ocean big.

And there's only ONE Starbucks, with the world's best baristas. I frequent a local indie as well, they roast their own. Happy to support 'em. The give me .25 off for using my old Starbucks cup.

[Coffee Drinker]

p.s. thanks for calling me a "rube." I've worked hard the last years to be content, calm. Just a normal person, rather than the snob, East Side, yuppie world traveler I once thought the answer to life. I mean this, you've done me a huge compliment. It's incredible on those rare occasions I feel I fit in, rather than stand out as an "important" (i.e. self-important) person.

Now as for the coffee. I met with the bold Tall Italian several times this week, it's got the deep rich butteriness going for it. One day I stayed through 2 refills (the local bux has few people since the tourists left, so they don't mind if I stay on to study. No laptop!)

Thanksgiving Blend seems truly bold this year as well. I'm relieved; last year it was worse than Pike, I mean literally!

[_-_]

@Coffee Drinker:

Ha. Ironically, you're the snob here with your "content, calm" ways. Like that's the epitome of what's right and correct in the world.

Besides, if you honestly think traveling the world makes you a yuppie you're a small-minded moron. If anything, seeing the world makes a person far more open to different ideas.

The more you know ------*

Anyway, one's "self-important" is another's "everyday confidence."

Still looks like you have a lot of work to do on yourself...

[Coffee Drinker]

Thanks for the humor. And you're right, I have lot's of work.

But I was indeed a yuppie; the travel came later.

Small minded moron? Ouch! Yet again, being called small is good for the soul. Really helps the perspective on what big is.

All the best to ya. I think you meant to hurt my feelings; you didn't. Maybe you're a troll...either way, what I wrote was meant to be nice ; )

And tonight a person who takes a workshop I teach for free gave me a Starbucks gift card, now that's grace! lol. Oh I know you'll be all mad I mentioned "for free" but I mention it to show that there are very nice people in the world who give even when it's not expected or asked. And they give STARBUCKS!

I'll enjoy a few more tall Italians and Thanksgivings than I'd planned this year ; )

[joe]

beautiful! I love it. I would go to this place. Do any women work here? I only see men in Melody's pics. Wonder how the hiring is done. What kind of training is required, legal stuff etc. GOOD JOB Starbucks. Hope one comes to my town.

[Asics shoes]

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.

[maus]

@Coffee Drinker: I'm glad you're content with Starbucks, but it does remind me of my mother, who would rather go out to any chain restaurant with their gloopy, corn syrupy mess of a microwaved meal over a fine independent restaurant she may have to go out of her element to get to. Sbux is consistent, they try, but better coffee is around every block in Seattle. The only people who don't know that are the tourists.

[Melody]

@Joe - I should have seen your comment eons ago, but sorry I haven't been back to this thread. If my photos (link in name) of the store had mostly men in them, that was definitely just a coincidence! The store manager in fact is a woman, and I've got her picture somewhere in the photos too.
Thanks for looking at my blog post on this store. Melody.